Later, when you’ve both finished, swap lists so you can see what the other person answered. Yes, there will be things you don’t recognize on the list, so just put a question mark by them. That way I couldn’t be influenced by his answers. When I did my first checklist, we purposely didn’t do it together. You most likely won’t match every answer with your partner – and that’s okay. There are no right or wrong answers on a checklist, although I can imagine an eager submissive worrying he or she will answer incorrectly. Expect your checklist to take more than a few minutes to complete. It makes sense if you think about it. It’s the sheer number of kinks and fetishes that you could potentially incorporate into your D/s relationship. If you’re like me, what will probably blow your mind isn’t that checklists are a thing. Affordable Leather (PDF shared with his permission.Or, you can use the two I’ve found for you. You’ll have the names of activities for your Google search to learn more.ĭo a quick Google search of “BDSM checklists” and you’ll get a bunch of options. They’re good for researching and learning.You can use them for your kinky fuckery adventure checklist (or a kinky bucket list) so you don’t have to remember what you want to try.They can be used as conversation starters for what you think you’ll like.They give you a range of options in your answers like “I don’t know, but I’m curious” all the way up to “Hell no!”.They list dozens of activities – not all of them sexual.

Good checklists have a few things in common: When I started in D/s, it was with a checklist. I think that’s because if you’re both newbies, you might not know checklists are even a thing (but now you do!). This is a popular method for kinksters, especially if one of you is new to the lifestyle and other has some experience. That makes researching it harder later on. The downside to this method is that you’ll only see a fraction of the kinks and fetishes out there, and you might not know what something is called. This is a great way to see what something looks like and decide if you might be interested. How do you know what you like (or hate) if you don’t know what’s out there and available to choose from? You don’t know what you don’t know, right? Over the years, I’ve learned about new things in two ways (three if you count reading erotica and blogs): Trying to Figure Out What You (Might) Like Note: I wouldn’t suggest fucking on the ceiling – I don’t like heights. The limits thing goes both ways in D/s. But if he we do it, and he doesn’t like it, we don’t do it again. When I throw out a wild idea, he’ll usually say something like, “Let me think about it” or “We’ll see.” Sometimes I get a “Sure, why not?” kind of response. I might say, “Daddy, I think we should have sex while hanging upside down from ceiling like bats. Of course, John Brownstone has that right too.

I reserve the right to make it a hard limit if it really bothers me. Soft limits, from my perspective, are the things I’m unsure of but I’ll try at least once. And there’s a reason we focus on them – making someone do something they desperately don’t want to do is a violation and it shows a lack of consent (or even an understanding of the importance of consent).īut that’s not the only conversation you should have about limits. No judgement, y’all, but I admit I’ve wondered. What sounds so gross, disgusting, and horrible that we (kind of, sort of) wonder what might be wrong with people who do like it. We, as kinksters, focus on hard limits a lot. I think that’s probably a good lesson for life in general, but let’s stick with the kinky side of things for right now. The first thing, though, is to know your own limits and how far you’re willing to go. In one word, he knows how I feel about it. Sure, we joke and laugh about it, (and I might still do that vanilla thing later) but it’s a form of communication that works well for us. He knows if I throw a safeword out, even in a vanilla conversation, that I’m serious about not wanting to do something. And sometimes, we’re referencing something in our vanilla life.ĭo I want to drive to a busy international airport without him? Red.ĭo I want to walk into a crowd of strangers and randomly introduce myself? Red, red, red-dy, red-red.Ĭonversations about our limits (both hard and soft) permeate our entire life. When John Brownstone asks me to do something I really don’t want to do, I’ll jokingly yell, “Red! Red! Red-dy, red-red!” (Red is my safeword, y’all.) He knows it means I don’t want to do it, and I really mean it.

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